JULIA FORDHAM
(UK, one Top 40 hit, three Top 40 albums)

Semi-soprano British hollerer whose 80s contribution was unheraldable and limited, but came into her own in '91 with the outstanding "Love Moves In Mysterious Ways". Can't remember anything else yet. We may be back on this.

Biggest Hit: "Happy Ever After", No.27, 1988
Defining Moment: None.

FORREST
(US, two Top 40 hits, no Top 40 albums)

Arse Yank bloke who destroyed two disco anthems with needless covers, yet still managed a No.4 placing with the first, Hues Corporation's "Rock The Boat" ("so I'd like to know where you got the notion") in '83. Fickle lot, us.

Biggest Hit: "Rock The Boat", No.4, 1983
Defining Moment: Being totally worthless.

49ERS
(Italy, one Top 40 hit, no Top 40 albums)

Reluctant to mention this bloke here, as he is synonymous with 1990, but to be precise, the quite superb, shrilling "Touch Me" charted in the last fortnight of the decade, eventually to peak at No.3 the following year. For this reason, we don't include any further detail below. Great tune though.

FOSTER AND ALLEN
(Ireland, two Top 40 hits, six Top 40 albums)

These two make Val Doonican look like Jim Morrison. Irish folky- busky-party duo of the singalong-a-septegenarian circle, whose albums (including the obvious "Foster And Allen Christmas Album") were shifted by the lorryload by the over 60s, as 'they make proper music'. TV ads make us recall beards, banjos and wicker chairs. We daren't say any more, and we don't know anything about the two singles which invaded the playlist.

Biggest Hit: "A Bunch Of Thyme", No.18, 1982
Defining Moment: Buying an album for Grandma's birthday.

FOUR BUCKETEERS
(UK, one Top 40 hit, no Top 40 albums)

TISWAS goes pop. Chris Tarrant (blonde, smiley, blokey, now filthy rich), Sally James (pouting, buxom, queen of masturbation fantasy among late 70s lads), Bob Carolgees (moustachioed, gangly, average ventriloquist with annoying salivary canine) and John Gorman (bald, mate of Paul McCartney's brother, became England assistant coach under Glenn Hoddle...whoops, wrong John Gorman) clubbed together to arse about even more than their ITV contract permitted and get paid for it. "Bucket Of Water Song" hit No.26 and the fab four duly did TOTP and threw buckets of water at people. Tarrant's miming was quite possibly the worst ever seen in the show's glorious history. James' breasts were definitely the best.

Biggest Hit: "Bucket Of Water Song", No.26, 1980
Defining Moment: Throwing water at cannabis smokers in the cage.

SAMANTHA FOX
(UK, eight Top 40 hits, two Top 40 albums)

Michael Parkinson got it spot on when he said he hated the trend of giving celebrities jobs which they were quite clearly not up to doing. He was referring to the talk show, of course, but the music industry is a perpetrator of much professional genocide on this score as well. And if you thought giving soap stars lucrative licence to offend our brains was bad enough, then this Cockney slapper really took the biscuit. Born in '66, Fox was a star at 16 when her now legendary breasts appeared in the The Sun for the first time, and four years of further jubbly exposure and tacky TV cameo appearances later, the inevitable first single was released. It was utter crap of the highest order, but bought by drooling men with overused wrists, of which there were obviously enough to send the loathsome "Touch Me (I Want Your Body)" ("your heartbeat next to mine") to No.3, with the obviously planted all-night humpathon theme of the song helping it on its way. Fox's voice was pained, teeth-chattering noise with no melodic strengths whatsoever, though the less than challenging songcraft penned for her hardly helped her disprove the critics. The following single "Do Ya Do Ya (Wanna Please Me)" was even more turgid, and got to No.10, before a semblance of normality took over in '87 when two singles made somewhat limited inroads. The breather didn't last however, as the S/A/W regulation blandfest "Nothing's Gonna Stop Me Now" ("there was a time I couldn't get you out of my mind") took her to a Godforsaken No.8. But then Fox self- destructed by catching religion and celibacy (huge breasts are far less appealing if you are a Godsquadder whose driveway is closed) and also being exposed by Esther Rantzen for plugging a fake slimming product, there followed a funny, guiltless mission by the Great British Public to give her a right good shove down the slippery slope. A pisspoor cover of "I Only Wanna Be With You" ("it happens to be true") gave her brief hang-on- for-dear-life value in '89, but thankfully, the bottom of the slope was already swallowing her up. The 90s saw her win court cases, set up companies and make a nostalgic return to tits-out mode, but gratefully, no more records. She was very popular in India, for some reason.

Biggest Hit: "Touch Me (I Want Your Body)", No.3, 1986
Defining Moment: The Sun, Page 3, some time in '82.

BRUCE FOXTON
(UK, one Top 40 hit, no Top 40 albums)

Paul Weller's mulleted Jam co-axeman had a somewhat short solo career following the split. In '83, he hit No.23 with "Freak", and then flopped with two more releases. He joined Mick Karn to form the equally unsuccessful Dali's Car straight afterwards, and then disappeared, probably content with Jam royalties. Or money for Jam, if you like.

Biggest Hit: "Freak", No.23, 1983
Defining Moment: That came in the Jam.