THE FIRM

(UK, two Top 40 hits, one Top 40 album)

We could go into detail, but frankly, anyone who makes novelty hits about Arthur Daley and Star Trek, with the added temerity of taking the latter to No.1, doesn't deserve more deep investigation.

Biggest Hit: "Star Trekkin'", No.1, 1987
Defining Moment: "There's kling-ons on the starboard bow, starboard bow, starboard bow..."

 FISH
(UK, one Top 40 hit, no Top 40 albums)

Erstwhile, expressive and blubbery singer of AOR legends Marillion had a less-than- brilliant solo career after quitting the band, but could take consolation from the fact that Marillion soldiered on desperately with a luke-warm replacement and bombed completely.

Biggest Hit: "State Of Mind", No.32, 1989
Defining Moment: That came in Marillion.

FIVE STAR
(UK, fifteen Top 40 hits, four Top 40 albums)

Sibling quintet comprising of (from the eldest down) Steadman, Doris, Lorraine, Deneice and Delroy, offspring of Steadman "Buster" Pearson who manufactured them with a rod of iron into a slick, semi-soulful and extremely tightly choreographed vocal group, the consequences of which have become the stuff of 80s folklore. Whether the intention was to promote them as a British version of the Jackson Five or not remains cloudy, but there's no denying that for two mid-80s years, they were one of the 'in-things', in that every single made inroads and every choreographic movement was timed to perfection. You couldn't see a hair or a fingernail out of place as the Romford clan Pearson, clothed identically (using Steadman's designs) anddripping with glitter and slap, did their half-robotic, half-breakdance routines to a number of catchy, meaningless singles from the moment "All Fall Down" peaked at No.15 in '85. Only once before the dumper beckoned in '88 would a single fail to reach the Top 30, with many of them being genuinely singalong tunes written by a heavily-shrouded studio team. Little sis Deneice did the lion's share of lead vocals and the world were falling to their shiny shoes once "System Addict" ("take a look at me, wired to a machine") gave them their first Top 10 hit at the start of '86. This was their halcyon year, with the next three singles all hitting the 10, finally peaking with the grudgingly gorgeous "Rain Or Shine" ("you'll always be one in a million, my fantasy come true") which hit No.2 and was only prevented from making that one bigger step by first the Communards and then Madonna. Hindsight-seeking cynics claim justice was done on that score. Deneice Pearson tried a bit of penning herself and was successful, with her own song "Stay Out Of My Life" reaching No.9 in '87, before the follow-up "The Slightest Touch" hit No.4, as the climbdown loomed over the horizon. They stuck around the Top 30 until '88 but once the rot set in, the fall from grace was spectacular and legendary. Bankruptcy, fighting, you name it. Where all the money was frittered away to remains unclear, but Five Star have been pilloried ever since as an example of 80s naffness and bad taste getting its comeuppance, which is slightly unfair (eldest sibling Steadman was still only 24 when it all collapsed; youngest sibling Delroy a mere 18). The hits may have been candyfloss, but they sure were memorable and, dash it all, rather good fun. It was a shame that their Greatest Hits album of '89 didn't sell, as it could have paid a few bills and was worthy of the title.

Biggest Hit: "Rain Or Shine", No.2, 1986
Defining Moment: The dancing.

FLASH AND THE PAN
(Australia, one Top 40 hit, no Top 40 albums)

ONE BIG HIT called "Waiting For A Train" ("what's that there on the railway line, looks like my old brown shoe") which we have unspeakably forgotten. Bacon duly saved by DEREK, who informs us that it was damned odd but a regular on the decade's compilation albums. Safe to say that they were a flash in the pan, but as we're not crass or cheesy, we won't.

Biggest Hit: "Waiting For A Train", No.7, 1983
Defining Moment: Weirdness.

A FLOCK OF SEAGULLS
(UK, two Top 40 hits, three Top 40 albums)

Bad hair was a must in the early 80s, but this little lot probably took the biscuit on that score. Remarkable, mazy designs were brought to life on their collected scalps as they soared to No.10 with the awesome "Wishing (If I Had A Photograph Of You)" ("something to remind me") in '83, but failed to get anywhere near matching such achievement. Shame.

Biggest Hit: "Wishing (If I Had A Photograph Of You)", No.10, 1983
Defining Moment: Saving the hairspray industry.

FLYING PICKETS
(UK, two Top hits, one Top 40 album)

THERE WAS A bald one called Red Stripe, oddly. Then there was the one who led the vocals before ending up poking Deirdrie Barlow and heading off into the sunset in Mike Baldwin's nicked motor on Corrie. And there were four more, from memory. While our recollection of the personnel - a bunch of actors on a pop holiday - is limited to that, the recollection of the gut-wrenching acapella music is much more vivid. Their despairing version of Yazoo's "Only You" ("all I needed was the love you gave, all I needed for another day") was No.1 for five weeks at the end of '83, and brought the concept of singing all the instruments to a less-than-enamoured British public. Clad in wideboyish, spivvy suits, ties and hats (you half expected them to be found out as escaped villains from The Sweeney) they had one more hit with the equally dire "When You're Young And In Love" ("dreams can come true, try a dream") before the world woke up to the realisation that this novelty bunch were exactly that, and should not be subsidised by the record buying public any more. The Housemartins took the piss with their version of "Caravan Of Love" in '86, but the difference was that while they were arseing about, they sounded a lot better at this acapella compendium lark than the Pickets ever did, without taking it anywhere near as seriously.

Biggest Hit: "Only You", No.1,1983
Defining Moment: "Ba-num, ba-num, ba-na-na-num..." Shut up.

FORCE MD'S
(US, one Top 40 hit, no Top 40 albums)

Yank gospelly collective who delivered the stunning  "Tender Love" ("holding me close to you, baby I surrender") in '86, five years before it was ruined forever by deadbeat ex-boxer Kenny Thomas. No more hits, but if you're going to be a one-hit wonder, make it a good hit.

Biggest Hit: "Tender Love", No.23, 1986
Defining Moment: "Love soooo tey-en-derrr..."