BROS
(UK, eight top 40 hits, two Top 40
albums)
The biggest single test of just how cruelly
honest we can be. Don't concern yourselves - we'll give it our best shot. Blonde
bombshell identi-twins Matt (voice) and Luke (drums) Goss teamed up with less
dapper but far more musically-able bassist Craig Logan to become the last big
British pop sensation of the decade yet ended up skint, hated and chastised by
literally everyone with a pair of working ears. Except for Logan, who
brilliantly overthrew his Andrew Ridgeley-esque image by suing the twins' arses
off for unpaid royalties after he quit the group following the peak period of
debut album "Push", which spawned four trashy, ill-produced, infantile
singles insultingly passed off as the spawn of their serious artistic loins.
"When Will I Be Famous" ("I
can't answer, I can't answer that" - we could) turned out to be a
rhetorical question as well as their first hit, peaking at No.2 and putting the
glossy Gosses on millions of bedroom walls, biology ring binders and park
benches while Logan, totally left behind in the meaningless-shagging phase,
settled down with Mel & Kim's remaining half, big sister Kim Appleby. Please
bear that in mind for later.
SCHOOLKIDS
Now, all of the first four Bros waxings held a
subliminal message which it seemed only the dim Gosses themselves hadn't noticed
- the first single is obvious, follow-up "Drop The Boy" ("I'm
a man, yes I am") barely concealed the perennial cries of these
overgrown schoolkids that they 'lurve our fans', yet slammed those same devotees
for having the nerve to get bored shortly afterwards. The God-forsaken No.1
"I Owe You Nothing" continued the subliminal theme - easy to work that
one out - and the fourth single from "Push", the
even-by-their-standards desperate "I Quit" had everyone predictably
doing merry dances at such great news. Christmas was coming in '88, and so
obviously they had to do their bit by releasing the cliche-ridden garbage that
was "Cat Among The Pigeons", flip-sided on equal terms by such a
shamefully ghastly version of "Silent Night" that you could just about
see St Peter, among the idyllic clouds up above, reaching for his black marker
and making two swift criss-cross movements on his clipboard.
FICKLE
In
'89, sans Logan and with the prospect
of being totally outfoxed in the male-totty stakes by American bicepmongers New
Kids On The Block (not much more talented, but certainly a million times more
charismatic) ver Gossy boys tried to create a more adult sound, but with Matt
having a voice akin to that of a six year old crying over a dropped ice cream,
that was never going to hold water. "Too Much" (spot the subliminal
again) reached No.2 thanks to the loyalty of a few thousand leftover 'Brosettes'
(what an awful expression that was, as well) but the follow-up, the utterly
abysmal "Chocolate Box" dumped them down to a mere No.9, although
Breathe and Hollywood Beyond would have still killed for that. Last-gasp Top 10
'hit' came shortly afterwards with "Sister", written for a deceased
female sibling but lacking in any real poignancy to allow the sympathy buyers to
catch the bus to the shopping precinct. The final insult came when they released
"Madly In Love", a rip-off of "Too Much" in that it used
exactly the same chorus - words, key, rhythms, the whole caboodle - but with
different verses and the added stigma of failing to improve on it one jot.
Still, they prised enough pocket money out of the fickle schoolgirl population
to live a grisly showbiz lifestyle, forever appearing in the gossip columns on
the arms of some hopeful meal-ticket scrubbers, but this philandering was to
come back to haunt them - remember we mentioned Logan walking out at the end of
'88?
BANKRUPT
Well,
he took them to court for his wages
and was awarded £1million, which thanks to their carefree high-spending, left
the grotty Gosses near-bankrupt. Logan ended up pretty flush (not to mention
happy) after co-writing and producing a string of early '90s hits for Appleby,
his new missus, while the twinnies, desperate for dosh, tried a half-arsed
'adult' comeback in '91 with "Are You Mine?", a song so sugary it just
proved that despite everything which had happened to them, they hadn't learned a
damn thing, and the Visa bills were still stacking up. Constant documentaries
and Sunday supplement splashes on how it all went wrong kept surfacing, and Luke
Goss abandoned his sticks to take on the role of Danny Zuko in the stage
production of "Grease" once even Shane Ritchie had decided it wasn't
good enough any more. Such is life, such were Bros. They actually seemed
innocent and pleasant (quite dull, in fact) in interviews, but they had next to
no talent or common sense at all and fate would always have caught up with them.
We can just be grateful it only took two years.
Biggest
Hit: "I Owe You Nothing", No.1, 1988
Defining Moment: Craig Logan's smile as he left the High Court.
