KENNY G
(US, one Top 40 hit, one Top 40 album)

Saxophonist of begrudgingly far-reaching talent but forever consigned to the garbage bin of awfulness due to his pornography-esque instrumentals ruining the conversation possibilities at dull dinner parties. His naffness credentials shot through the roof when Glenn Hoddle hilariously revealed that he used this man's mind-numbing dirges to soothe the minds of the four players who just missed the cut for England's '98 World Cup squad. Paul Gascoigne, for one, seemed to be affected little by the twee muzak's alleged calming qualities and promptly smashed up a lamp on hearing of his demise. The one single was "Songbird" in '87, which we have deliberately chosen to forget.

Biggest Hit: "Songbird", No.22, 1987
Defining Moment: None for the 80s, being the football fan's least favourite musician in the 90s.

GAP BAND
(US, seven Top 40 hits, no Top 40 albums)

Take one meaningless, catchy expression and employ lots of hangers-on to sit on the floor while you perform it. Result- the first major dance craze of the decade, which remained the most performed at backstreet discos and youth clubs until Black Lace came along. In terms of inducing youngsters (and a good deal of middle agers, too) into carefree choreographic idiocy, Yank funksters the Gap Band managed to re-create the instantaneous spontaneity of "YMCA" when "Oops Up Side Your Head" ("I say oops up side your head") charted in '80, helped up to No.6 by the longboat routine, which involved people sitting on the parquet, legs apart, in chevronically- formed columns while slapping the floor at either side to the beat, with the occasional lapse into shoulder-shaking yo-yo mould too. It was easy, infectious, fun and didn't make you look a berk, and for teenage lads, it came with the added bonus of being able to sit in between the legs of the girl you fancied without getting a slap. The band took absolutely ages to recover from it, not hitting the Top 20 again, despite many an effort, until 1984 with the unmesmerising "Someday". Faith was restored (and admiration for longevity assured) when the thumpalong "Big Fun" ("if you want my love, come and get it girl") finally put them back in the Top 10 in early '87. It says a lot that the woeful remix of that glorious debut single ended up as the band's fourth biggest hit when it sneaked to No.20 later the same year, as they had put out ten songs since its fatherly original. For their own sakes, they probably wished that whoever came up with that tune had kept their mouths shut, as they didn't have a single hit album.

Biggest Hit: "Big Fun", No.4, 1987
Defining Moment: "Oops up side your head, I say oops up side your head..."

J GEILS BAND
(US, two Top 40 singles, one Top 40 album)

Another of those middling Yank soft rock sorts who produced a storming single in "Centerfold" ("my love runs cold, my memory has just been sold") and then had bugger all to follow it up with. Just one more hit followed, called "Freeze Frame", which was also the title of their only charting album. Still, they are forever on AOR playlists and ubiquitous 'power rock' compilations, so they did something right.

Biggest Hit: "Centerfold", No.3, 1982
Defining Moment: "Na na na-na na na, na na na na-na na na na..."

BOB GELDOF
(Ireland, one Top 40 hit, no Top 40 albums)

With his new wave and world saviour heritage, it was inevitable that the honorary knight would put some solo stuff out eventually, and perhaps it was a surprise that he waited until a whole two years after Band Aid before "The Great Song Of Indifference" hit No.21 in late '86. But we learned about Geldof in the 80s, and one major part of his public persona was his utter selflessness, despite the cynics' claims that he only put Band Aid together in order to boost the flagging fortunes of the Boomtown Rats. His lone stuff was awkward, raw and buskerish, with lots of folky acoustic guitars flying at high speed to keep up with his big deal melodies and thoughtful lyrics. Commercially awful, but neither we nor he particularly cared. His place in mankind's affection had been long rubberstamped, and his post-charidee project wasn't considered important enough.

Biggest Hit: "The Great Song Of Difference", No.21, 1986
Defining Moment: Should we spell it out?