L.A. MIX
(UK, two Top 40 hits, no Top 40 albums)

The year was '88, and this dual-gender duo had a particularly crap name which sort of emphasises how much bilge was infiltrating the charts at the time. We won't drone on. The biggest hit was "Check This Out", a bileful expression still being used by commercial radio presenters to this day. The name was nothing to do with California's great city, but down to the bloke being called Les Adams, quite possibly the most unshowbiz name the music industry has ever spluttered up.

Biggest Hit: "Check This Out", No.6, 1988
Defining Moment: Being soooo '88.

(Thanks to THOMMO for further information)

DENISE LA SALLE
(US, one Top 40 hit, no Top 40 albums)

Joy upon joys - here we are, discussing the virtues of a chubby Yank grinner whose one claim to chart domination was in '85 with the abominable "My Toot Toot" ("I know you have another woman, so don't mess with my toot toot"), the unsubtle sexual overtones of which are still quite flabbergasting to this day. We're actually quite amazed it wasn't banned. It also told of doctors slapping babies and breaking faces with cases, or something. It was most odd, not to mention crap, hindered further by a sea-shanty accordion backing and La Salle's insistence on donning the most ridiculous wig since Alvin Stardust's '72 sweat drainer (what made it worse was that she clearly was trying to pass it off as her own hair). She always wore pink stuff, too. Not another peep was heard from her afterwards. Surprised? Thought not.

Biggest Hit: "My Toot Toot", No.6, 1985
Defining Moment: "Don't mess with my toot toot..." Quiet, please.

PATTI LABELLE
(US, two Top 40 hits, one Top 40 album)

Division Two disco diva frontchick of 70s surname-only, asking for a shag in French fame, reinvented as a bog-standard balladeer in the 80s with her collaboration alongside ex-Doobie Bro' and bearded God-squadder Michael McDonald. The song was "On My Own" ("on my own, once again...") which hindsight has universally derided as sickly soul slop at its worst, though at the time in '86 it was daftly commended as an all-time great love song. Still, all-time great love songs will always give way to satire and humour and fad, so it was with some relief and delight that it stalled at No.2 thanks to Spitting Image's piss-take of Black Lace. Comparisons with Dolce/Ultravox injustice of five years earlier were made, but not justified one jot. Labelle tried again on her own, but her solo stab "Oh, People" was as crap as it was unsuccessful, peaking at No.26. Stick to voulez-vous couchez-ing, m'dear.

Biggest Hit: "On My Own", No.2, 1986
Defining Moment: "Hold a chicken in the air, stick a deckchair up your nose..."

ANNABEL LAMB
(UK, one Top 40 hit, no Top 40 albums)

Never heard of her, but her only semi-hit was a version of "Riders On TheStorm", so presumably Jim Morrison had a right good spin in his grave and sent a flash of lightning down to make sure she had no more hits.

Biggest Hit: "Riders On The Storm", No.27, 1983
Defining Moment: At least she didn't do "People Are Strange"...

LAMBRETTAS
(UK, two Top 40 hits, one Top 40 album)

SOMEWHAT EMBARRASSEDLY, we didn't have a clue about this lot but felt we should, as we want this catalogue to be definitive - fat chance. So up pops the smashing DEREK to inform us that their big No.7 hit in '80 with "Poison Ivy" ("Ivy's a girl who will make you itch") was a sixties cover, so we were right to anticipate that it should have struck a chord with us, even though we find mushc of the sixties extremely boring and overrated. They had a No.12 follow-up with "D-a-a-ance" which is a title that stirs us somewhat lesserly.

Biggest Hit: "Poison Ivy", No.7, 1980
Defining Moment: The hit.

LANDSCAPE
(UK, two Top 40 hits, one Top 40 album)

Mad-as-a-lightswitch gang responsible for the sublime "Einstein A Go-Go" ("better watch out, better be aware") which contained that wonderful whistly riff (B-B-G-A, G-A-B-D-B-G-A, G-A-B-G-E - try it) and that stupid gravelly-voiced repetition of the title, taking it to a thoroughly merited No.5. The follow-up, called "Norman Bates" scraped to No.40 shortly afterwards, and remarkably, that was it. Memories of the actual personnel is a bit cloudy (did one of them wear Sunnie Mann big blue glasses?) but we deservedly fete them as top entertainment, and THOMMO reliably informs us that the lead singer was called Richard James Burgess who later slummed it by being a producer for Five Star. The one album deserves a mention purely for the title - it was called "From The Tearooms Of Mars To The Hellholes Of Uranus". Doubt there were many ballads on that.

Biggest Hit: "Einstein A Go-Go", No.5, 1981
Defining Moment: "B-B-G-A, G-A-B-D-B-G-A, G-A-B-G-E....Einstein A Go Go!"

 LATIN QUARTER
(UK, one Top 40 hit, no Top 40 albums)

Multi-racial, maudlin tribe of collective conscience who made the world weep just a little with the sublime, textured "Radio Africa" ("I'm hearing only sad news on Radio Africa") which hit No.19 in '86. Great intentions, wonderfully careful melodies, but commercially thin, though many an overseas public made them a success. Seem to recall something about one non-performing member writing the lyrics and then putting them in the post.  That's very strange. Good memories of them, though.

Biggest Hit: "Radio Africa", No.19, 1986
Defining Moment: The womanly, weepy, high-pitch of "...on Radio Africa".

LATINO RAVE
(Multi-national, one Top 40 hit, no Top 40 albums)

Very '89 name given to a sampling consortium who released "Deep Heat '89" and took it No.12, containing as it did a megamix (another very '89 expression) of hits by Technotronic, A Guy Called Gerald, Humanoid et al. Back then it was innovative. An equivalent now would be cheap and crap.

Biggest Hit: "Deep Heat '89", No.12, 1989
Defining Moment: Making Technotronic sound better.

STACY LATTISAW
(US, one Top 40 hit, no Top 40 albums)

Not brilliant adolescent Yank disco chick who released the overrated "Jump To The Beat" ("come on and jump to the beat (jump!), come on and dance with me") at a time when proper disco had breathed its last, though the half-memorable melody took it No.3. She released more stuff afterwards which got nowhere. And in a final insult, the fitter but crapper Minogue sibling (Dannii, with two 'i's, thank you) rehashed the hit in '91, so now even those who initially liked it back in '80 now thinks it's guff.

Biggest Hit: "Jump To The Beat", No.3, 1980
Defining Moment: Well, the song, s'pose...

CYNDI LAUPER
(US, four Top 40 hits, three Top 40 hits)

Screechy, difficult on the eye New York punkette whose ubiquity throughout  the decade from her '84 emergence defies just how little chart success she actually had here, though she more than made up for that in her homeland. But when she got it right, she really got it right. Female playtime anthem "Girls Just Want To Have Fun" ("oh Daddy dear, you know you're still number one, but girls, they want to have fun") launched it all, storming to No.2 and sticking like glue to female beauty product ads and nightclub retro  breaks to this day, despite an atrocious, re-titled remix dropping dust on the shine in '97. Sporting orange hair, daft ribbons and leathery outfits, Lauper's physical features were somewhat sexless, which defied the absolute divinity of the next two hits, both timeless, hormone- awakening ballads with not a hint of schmaltz or goo anywhere. "Time After Time" ("if you're lost and you look then you will find it, time after time") went to No.3, helped by a nice harmonising from unknown male co-vocalist and a personal, heartfelt video set in a caravan on a rainy night. Then in '86 came the equally touching "True Colours" ("and I see your true colours, that's why I love you") which gave Lauper a deserved sense of proud eroticism which again defied her unarousing physical appearance. How it never got higher than No.12 is the musical equivalent of life's meaning. The impressive comeback from nowhere occurred in '89 with the thumping MOR reconciliation tune "I Drove All Night" ("woke you from your sleep to make love to you") which would later return to the Top 10 as a posthumous outing for Roy Orbison. Around all this, there were a number of floppy discs - six of them, in fact - but maybe her limited success boiled down to a stereotypical British misunderstanding or reservedness rather than any inadequacy on her part. Lauper was quite shy when not performing, rarely giving interviews, which may also have contributed. She did look great in that huge swishing skirt, posing mid-twirl, on the cover of debut album "She's So Unusual" and overpowered (not to mention scared the crap out of) Huey Lewis and Kim Carnes when the three had to sing together on America's insincerity-personified answer to Band Aid in '85. Good for her. Oh, and please don't mention Phil Collins' wank version of "True Colours", as like the rest of the hearing world, we're desperately trying to forget it.

Biggest Hit: "Girls Just Want To Have Fun", No.2, 1984
Defining Moment: "They just a-wanna, they just a-wanna...."

LAZY
(US, one Top 40 hit, no Top 40 albums)

Who? It was the summer of '89 and this Yank bloke with an extraordinarily stupid surname was getting to No.27 with something called "Let It Roll". Apt, considering the subsequent downhill journey of his career. Anyone got more?

Biggest Hit: "Let It Roll", No.27, 1989
Defining Moment: We don't have one. Yet.

DEE C LEE
(UK, one Top 40 hit, no Top 40 albums)

One-off showing for the gorgeous backdrop lady (real name Diane Sealey, stage name derived from signature, obviously) who spent the majority of the decade as uncredited co-vocalist on the Style Council's hits, delivering Paul Weller's raging leftie lyrics with admirable punch considering she never, ever looked like she knew (or cared) what she was singing about. Her solo outing was not political, but a rousing, orchestra-led love-up called "See The Day" ("good love will always come from me") which got to a fantastic, justified No.3 in '85, though we suspect many a Style Council fan would have handed over the pennies out of loyalty and therefore bumped up the placing. She also backed Wham! in their early days, and ended up marrying Weller, even though both of them spent every waking moment between '84 and '87 denying their itemhood. There was a follow-up in '86 which bombed, but by then her day job had re-beckoned. A terrific singer doing a terrific song, and a great professional foil for Weller to boot. Good stuff.

Biggest Hit: "See The Day", No.3, 1985
Defining Moment: From "Governments crack and systems fall" to "when you look." 

JULIAN LENNON
(UK, two Top 40 hits, one Top 40 album)

It takes a brave person to enter the music industry at any time, let alone when that person happens to be the offspring of a late, lamented and globally-proclaimed genius and innovator of 20th century music. But Julian, well, he had a go. The moment the promos for his debut single "Too Late For Goodbyes"  ("ever since you've been leaving me, I've been wanting to cry") landed on radio station desks, the comparisons with John started, and they were not exactly favourable, with plenty of reviewers presumptuously stating that John would have hated this, despite not having any right or entitlement to judge what John Lennon's opinion in '84 would have been. Though he would have preferred to have been judged on his own merits, novelty and intrigue factor were in Julian's favour commercially, plus the undoubted truth that most people would have been fairly kind to the song had they heard it without knowing who was performing, as it wasn't bad. It was a pleasant, synth-based ditty which cantered along at medium pace as he delivered a weedy but charming vocal, culminating in lots of "do-do-do" and "ba-ba-da-ba-ba" ad libs. His physical resemblance to his father, however, cannot go unmentioned, as it was very, very eerie. Only Samantha Beckinsale has ever caused that level of spooky effect since. The single jumped to No.6 and Lennon, in royal blue suit, and sporting an impressive mullet and dangly crucifix earring, seemed ready to do himself proud (without crassly suggesting he would also do his father proud). However, he had nothing to back it up, and only one more Top 40 entry followed for the rest of the decade, and even that peaked at No.40. Lennon returned to the Top 10 briefly and unexpectedly in '91 with the environmental-preacherman dirge "Saltwater" ("we are a rock revolving, around the golden sun") before dropping back into production, going slightly hippyish and being a Lennon. That's a full-time job in itself.

Biggest Hit: "Too Late For Goodbyes", No.6, 1984
Defining Moment: Failing to avoid comparisons.