JIMMY NAIL
(UK, one Top 40 hit, no Top 40 albums)
One of the major finds of the 80s in terms of his (totally uncoached) acting prowess, the man born James Bradford and better known as foulmouthed Geordie
brickie Oz exploited his national smallscreen popularity in '85 by releasing a simple version of Rose Royce's "Love Don't Live Here Anymore"
("just emptiness and memories of what we had before") which naturally shot to
No.3, helped by a couple of top-hole TOTP appearances in long mac, during which he
would wink at the camera. Not a bad achievement for an ex-bank robber who reluctantly popped into an audition centre at his girlfriend's suggestion as
he walked to collect his dole, only to be immediately offered his first acting job as that
bigoted, brawling builder in Auf Wiedersehen Pet, starting a remarkable rags-to-riches story. His return in the 90s, as
maverick tec Spender (which he co-wrote) re-ignited the desire to record, and he hit No.1 in '92 with the self-penned, Full Metal Jacket clone "Ain't No
Doubt". More iffy hits followed from the soundtrack to his country musician
drama "Crocodile Shoes" and he also starred alongside Madonna in Evita.
His 80s contribution was purely bandwagonning, but he remains a sharp, humble bloke who still can't quite believe what he has achieved.
Biggest Hit: "Love Don't Live Here Anymore", No.3, 1985
Defining Moment: "Aye, and donkey shite to you too, man..."
NARADA
(US, three Top 40 hits, no Top 40 albums)
Unique singing drummer bloke, who had three hits at opposite ends of the decade, two of which got to the Top 10. We can't remember either of them. He
was initially credited as Narada Michael Walden, should that help. Please get in touch with your memories, and then get in touch with us.
Biggest Hit: "I Shoulda Loved Ya", "Divine Emotions", both
No.8, 1980 and 1988
Defining Moment: Not yet.
NATASHA
(UK, one Top 40 hit, no Top 40 albums)
UNDISTINGUISHED GIRLY type whose one hit "Iko Iko" ("my flag
boy told your flag boy: 'I'm gonna set your flag on fire.'") was as irritating
as the title suggests. Nothing more after that. However, there was a seedy
undercurrent to what seemed a very unspectacular career, as THOMMO informs us...
"Unbelievably, she was the missus of the boss of legendary label
Towerbell, who never seemed to have hits but whose turgid tracks always turned
up on compilations like "Raiders Of The Pop Charts". History has it
that the husband actually employed teams of people to BUY copies of the single
for three reasons - he wanted to see his wife on TOTP, the Belle Stars had a
rival version of the song out at the same time, and labels would continue to
license songs from Towerbell if he could actually put one of their songs in the
chart. "
Dark goings-on behind the lovely Natasha, then. Makes Milli Vanilli look like
the epitome of fair play.
Biggest Hit: "Iko Iko", No.10, 1982
Defining Moment: Dodgy dealings...
NEIL
(UK, one Top 40 hit, no Top 40 albums)
Hereinafter re-spelt as 'neil' due to the traditional lowest-of-the-low status bestowed on Nigel Planer's brilliant, maudlin hippie from his
inception in The Young Ones. Planer's return to character, shortly after he and his three equally
unlikeable-but-liked co-stars had copped it in the
last episode of the groundbreaking sitcom by plunging over a cliff edge in a bus, saw him deliver a quite funny version of Traffic's "Hole In My
Shoe" ("and all that I knew was the hole in my shoe which was letting in
water") which was drizzled with sitars and organs and got to No.2 in '84, held off
only by the FGTH domination of the season (though he was the one who stopped FGTH being at No.1 and No.2 with "Two Tribes" and "Relax"
respectively). Familiar sayings of the character were taken from celluloid and put on
vinyl, increasing further the influence which the show had achieved on fashioning the way younger people talked. Planer did TOTP twice, performing
live each time for ad lib 
purposes, the second time in a spangly red waistcoat which neil explained with
"this one's for you Freddie"
following the showing of Queen's overdressed video for "It's A Hard Life". Sound
effects of alarm clocks, washing up, 'heavy bummer' et al were there, and a long, drawn out, self-pitying speech in psychedelic handwriting by neil was
put on the sleeve. As a funny record, it still holds up to an extent, many years on, due mainly to the instant nostalgia for (and annual terrestrial
repetition of) The Young Ones in a now-hefty period of 80s retro interest. Planer put his wig and sneakers back on to do the Comic Relief thing with
his flatmates and Cliff Richard two years later and got to No.1. Still deserving of a wry grin, and probably the right choice of character from the
four to make a record. The B-side, "Hurdy Gurdy Mushroom Man", was
funnier, by the way.
Biggest Hit: "Hole In My Shoe", No.2, 1984
Defining Moment: "Hello shoes, I'm sorry but I'm gonna have to stand on you
again..."
PHYLLIS NELSON
(US, one Top 40 hit, one Top 40 album)
Spectacularly gap-toothed one hit wondress who took bloody weeks to get to No.1 in '85 with the gooey as hell ballad "Move Closer"
("move
your body real close") which became the gropefest, house-lights-on song at the end of
every teenage disco for at least a year afterwards. Slow, thudding soul groove opening was terrific until Nelson, who always looked far too old to
be on TOTP, butted in with a dreadful spoken opening before delivering those cringing, sickly lyrics. She obligingly didn't bother following it up.
Biggest Hit: "Move Closer", No.1, 1985
Defining Moment: "Hey baby, you go your way, and I'll go mine..."
NENA
(Germany, one Top 40 hit, one Top 40 albums)
Legendary one-hit wonders who were actually a group, despite the commonly-held misconception that Nena merely referred to the easy-on-the-eye
female singer. She arrived in '84 with gallons of hairspray, a few well-chosen short, short, oh bloody hell short leather skirts and a glint in
her eye, with her undoubted sex appeal rendering her male musical stooges totally invisible. The song was nuclear-fear anthem "99 Red Balloons"
("this is what we've waited for, this is it boys, this is war"), written initially
in German and then re-penned in English to suit a Euro-sceptic Britain, who gratefully dumped FGTH from their long run at the top with "Relax" and
put this obscure bunch of Aryans there instead, adjacently ending the Beeb's five week blaze of embarrassment at not featuring the number one single on
TOTP. Fleet Street decided, in its charming, forget-ye-not way, to slag off the band purely because of their nationality, but the song stayed firm for
three weeks at the top. In a way, it was good that they didn't re-chart, as future releases would prove to be crap in their own right, as well as crap compared to their massive piece de resistance, which remains an outstanding
listen. Other memories consist of TOTP at its most predictable by setting off lots of red balloons during their turns, and the lovely lead singer
recently re-appearing in the public eye to satisfy the retro enthusiasts, and looking hornier than ever.
Biggest Hit: "99 Red Balloons", No.1, 1984
Defining Moment: "And here is a red balloon, I think of you and let it go..."
ROBBIE NEVIL
(US, two Top 40 hits, no Top 40 albums)
Nondescript Yank bloke with big hair and just one big tune, the marching "C'est La Vie" ("what you gonna do, what you gonna say, I don't
know") which got to an overrated No.6. One follow-up did get to No.26, but by then
someone had located a wall and bought some spraypaint.
Biggest Hit: "C'est La Vie", No.6, 1986
Defining Moment: "That's just the way it goes, that's life!"
NEW EDITION
(US, two Top 40 hits, no Top 40 albums)
Desperately bad Jackson Five clones including a junior school Bobby Brown, Ralph Tresvant and Bel Biv
Devoe, who inflicted their unbroken voices and ultra-screechy popalong garbage on us with "Candy Girl"
("my
girl's like candy, a candy treat") which amazingly got to No.1, one of only two bad
apple chart-toppers in a glittering '83 (the other being "Too Shy" by
Kajagoogoo). They graciously spared us much more, with only the equally unlistenable "Mr Telephone Man"
("there's something wrong with my
line, when I dial my baby's number, I get a click every time") adding to the torment
in '85. Once their balls dropped, Brown did his tough-talking, Houston-screwing funk stuff, Tresvant tried to launch as a new Barry White and Biv Devoe
became, well, Bel Biv Devoe. There was a brief reunion in the 90s which went down like a lead balloon. All in all, not good.
Biggest Hit: "Candy Girl", No.1, 1983
Defining Moment: "Candy girl, you are my love..."
NEW KIDS ON THE BLOCK
(US, one Top 40 hit, one Top 40 album)
They only got famous with a month left of the decade, but that was ample enough time for the arse "You Got It (The Right Stuff)"
("you got
the right stuff, baby" etc) to get to No.1 and commence a ear-shattering scream
phenomenon not seen for some years. Largely vilified for starting the trend of turning untalented lookers into regimented, lifeless pop stars, though
this isn't quite true, as this American quintet were self-formed (although sternly mollycoddled into a strict gameplan afterwards) and no copycat
boybands emerged fully for at least a year after their demise in '91. Famous tabloid
exposé saw two starry-eyed 16 year old girls tell of how they shagged two of them and gobbled another in a hotel room after a show. In
no particular order, the protagonists were Donnie Wahlberg (hard, bumfluff, Mark's big brother) Danny Wood (ugly) Jonathan Knight (toothy) his brother
Jordan Knight (effeminate, most of the lead vocals) and the youngest, Joe McIntyre (smiley, and the most popular clit-flick fantasy of the five). In
'90 they had seven Top 10 hits in a row and won every teen award from best single to best pubic hair perm, yet it was all over by '91. Bring on Take
That.
Biggest Hit: "You Got It (The Right Stuff)", No.1, 1989
Defining Moment: None, as 1990 was their year.
NEW MODEL ARMY
(UK, five Top 40 hits, three Top 40 albums)
Shouty, petrifying semi-Gothic but mainly punk-inspired plankspankers whose politically vitriolic stuff resulted in also-ran chart status, but naturally
gained a large quantity of fans. Famous for one TOTP appearance in which they played live, with the resident audience looking totally nonplussed and
bewildered, thereby refusing to dance. That was in '85 with debut hit "No Rest"
("there is no rest for the wicked world so God what is this evil
that we've done") which proved to be their biggest success. They are still
together.
Biggest Hit: "No Rest", No.28, 1985
Defining Moment: Live on TOTP.
NEW MUSIK
(UK, three Top 40 singles, one Top 40 album)
EARLY ELECTRO cluster (though they had a proper bassist and a proper
drummer) whose one abiding moment of chart fame was "Living By
Numbers" in '80, which was followed before the year was out by two
semi-hits and a return to obscurity. Probably seen as too lightweight in the new
synth-pop genre of the time, in which aloofness and arty experimentation gained
the respect, rather than catchy pop. Lead singer Tony Mansfield went on to
produce Captain Sensible's post-Damned whist-drive backdrop solo exploits, to
his detriment. The band are still going strong in the low countries.
Biggest Hit: "Living By Numbers", No.13, 1980
Defining Moment: Being victims of melody.
NEW ORDER
(UK, fourteen Top 40 hits, six Top 40 albums)
The leaders in their field for 80s synth pop, in that they combined great expertise with the decade's new technology with poetic, multi-interpretable
lyrics and healthy, resigning plaudits from synth sceptics. And it all came about due to one abiding tragedy - the suicide of Joy Division's haunted
singer Ian Curtis in '80. The remaining members of the group, Bernard Sumner, Peter Hook and Stephen Morris, started afresh as New Order,
recruiting keyboardist Gillian Gilbert and retasking Sumner as vocalist. The result was extraordinary, with much of Joy Division's groundbreaking synth
trademark maintained on the back of Hook's thunking lead bass, and the deliberate monotony of Sumner's vocals adding torturously effective emotion
to their material. Much of the songs passed people by, barring those who really wanted to listen, and many potential new recruits to the fanbase were
probably lost whenever they did TOTP, as they always insisted on playing live, which invariably resulted in Sumner sounding terribly out of tune. In
'83, they released a melodically simple song called "Blue Monday"
("but if it wasn't for your misfortune, I'd be a heavenly person today") and its
effect would be far-reaching. It charted on three separate occasions within the following twelve months, reaching No.12, No.9 and No.52 respectively,
thanks to the unique floppy disc packaging and the danceability factor of the enormous 12-inch version, which sold in such quantities that it remains
the biggest selling single of its type to this day. The cerebral qualities of Sumner's painstakingly heartfelt lyrics, combined with the
sinew-stretching grooves of the backing tracks, stand them out as unique, brilliant and massively influential musicians of the decade and beyond, even
if only two other songs, "Confusion" and "Thieves Like Us",
would make the Top 20 among the eleven released between '81 and '87. They upped the
commercial factor in '87 and Sumner's story of cold turkey "True
Faith" ("I used to think that the day would never come, I'd see the light in the shade
of the morning sun") went to No.4, proceeded the year after by a rather
pointless remix of "Blue Monday". They got to No.1 in '90 while on
World Cup duty (their England song "World In Motion" still pisses on all other
football songs) and continue to experiment away despite other projects, with Sumner joining Johnny Marr and (initially) the Pet Shop Boys for dream team
outfit Electronic, and Hook having brief success as part of Monaco in the mid-90s, as well as marrying (then later divorcing) comedienne Caroline
Aherne who gleefully informed interviewers about how well-endowed he was. Breathtaking, mysterious and absolutely vital to the whole psyche and
development of the music industry.
Biggest Hit: "Blue Monday 1988", No.3, 1988
Defining Moment: "Duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-duh..."
BOOKER NEWBURY III
(US, one Top 40 hit, no Top 40 albums)
Presumably Messrs Newbury I and II fell at the dodgy pub gig stage. Anyway, generation number three turned up in '83 with one hit called "Love
Town" which got to No.6, but shamefully, we haven't the faintest. Your rescue act
via e-mail or carrier pigeon is always welcome.
Biggest Hit: "Love Town", No.6, 1983
Defining Moment: Hmmm...
STEVIE NICKS
(US, one Top 40 hit, four Top 40 albums)
Patchy solo career for the Fleetwood Mac glamour growler, which only seemed to materialise whenever the band had partaken in another
highly-publicised barney. Her albums were bought by every Mac fan going, but the singles were
mainly forgettable flops, save for the glorious "Rooms On Fire"
("there is magic all around you, if I do say so myself") which leapt to a decent No.16
and proved one of the genuine highlights of that rather lousy '89.
Biggest Hit: "Rooms On Fire", No.16, 1989
Defining Moment: "Somewhere out in the back of your mind..."
NICOLE
(Germany, one Top 40 hit, no Top 40 albums)
Seated, winsome German convent-type lass who strummed an acoustic guitar through
the multi-lingual "A Little Peace" ("a little loving, a
little giving") which walked away with Eurovision unchallenged in '82, and by
definition, guaranteeing herself a No.1 hit shortly afterwards with an English-only version. Suspicions that she would be a passing fad were
confirmed when the follow-up got to No.75 for one week, but we reckon even that was still much better than Bardo.
Biggest Hit: "A Little Peace", No.1, 1982
Defining Moment: "Allemand - douze points!"
NITRO DELUXE
(US, one Top 40 hit, no Top 40 albums)
Multi-instrumentalist bloke who we can't remember, though painstaking research has dug up the fact that his '88 hit "Let's Get Brutal" was a
re-hash of a previous single which had twice bombed. Any more info will be gratefully added.
Biggest Hit: "Let's Get Brutal", No.24, 1988
Defining Moment: Not yet.
NU SHOOZ
(US, one Top 40 hit, one Top 40 album)
Scintillating one hit wonders whose catchiness-personified "I Can't
Wait" ("you know I love you, even when you don't try") took a gallant
journey all the way to No.2, with only the farewell Wham! single rolling the shutters.
Bloke and bird duo, with the fairer gender on singing duties. The song contained one of the best opening synth riffs ever composed. Impossible to
follow.
Biggest Hit: "I Can't Wait", No.2, 1986
Defining Moment: "Baby, I-I-I-can't-wait!"
