S
EXPRESS
(UK, four Top 40 hits, no Top 40 albums)
Overachieving production-theft duo whose crashingly dull pop plodalongs were so
very '88 and yet had buggered off by the following year, as the dance phenomenon
left them in its wake. The opening hit went straight to No.1 without barely
pausing for breath, with "The Theme From S Express" ("I got the
hots for you") sampling Rose Royce, before a couple more singles dimmed a
few extra brains with their trashy shallowness, namely "Superfly Guy"
("gonna take you higher") and "Hey Music Lover"
("l-o-v-e-r") reaching the Top 10. They continued to churn out much of
the same deflated tat, but their luck had run out by '90, and it all came to a
merciful end. Main man Mark Moore's subsequent whereabouts and activities are a
mystery, but female jockette contributor Sonique is now one of the biggest pop
stars and most respected live DJs in the business. Considering how much of the
'88 dance early risers achieved next to nothing, they should feel grateful and
fortunate for what they attained. And amazingly, no-one complained about their
name.
Biggest Hit: "The Theme From S Express", No.1, 1988
Defining Moment: Devaluing Rose Royce.
SABRINA
(Italy, two Top 40 hits, no Top 40 albums)
Ah, this one's a cracker. Italian porn star turned screechette Sabrina bounced
on to the TOTP stage in '88 with the cheddary "Boys (Summertime Love)"
("boys boys boys, I'm looking for a good time") which, in typically
'88 manner, contained no artistic merit whatsoever, but frankly, one half of the
population was taking no notice of the song. Her voluminous jubblies wiggling
about under a tight, tight, very very tight cleavage-slicing top prompted many a
letter of complaint to Points Of View, with fathers branding it disgusting while
asking for a repeat in the same paragraph. The follow-up was less memorable, as
she dressed more conservatively, ending her career there and then, and it was
back to the double penetrations afterwards.
Biggest Hit: "Boys (Summertime Love)", No.3, 1988
Defining Moment: Flubbalubbalubbalubbalubba...
SADE
(UK, five Top 40 hits, three Top 40 albums)
Sensuous, mega-lipped, plaited soul babe of not-instantly pronouncable name and
Nigerian roots whose debut hit "Your Love Is King" ("your love is
king, crown you in my heart") filled more erectile capillaries than any
other ballad of '84, and remains one of the most erotic songs ever recorded. The
opening sax solo still inspired a desire to grab someone by the sensitive bits
and embark on something filthy. Helen Folsade Adu struggled afterwards, though
the corresponding album "Diamond Life" sounds even better each time it
gets an official re-release, and her other widely-known hit was the smoke-filled winebar cooler "Smooth Operator" ("he moves in space
with minimum grace and maximum joy") which got to No.19 later that year.
The subject matter of "The Sweetest Taboo" remains closely
guarded (though the educated lyric-analyst is certain it's about consenting
buggery) and she continues to make shivery music to aid the conception process.
Wondrous.
Biggest Hit: "Your Love Is King", No.6, 1984
Defining Moment: "I'm crying out for more, your love is kiiiiiing..."
ST JOHN'S COLLEGE SCHOOL CHOIR AND THE BAND OF THE GRENADIER GUARDS
(UK, one Top 40 hit, no Top 40 albums)
Military band and pre-pubescent caterwaulers combined to only just make it to
No.40 in '86 with "The Queen's Birthday Song". We like the sentiment,
but we can't remember the actual record.
Biggest Hit: "The Queen's Birthday Song", No.40, 1986
Defining Moment: Not rivalling St Winifred's or the Dragoon Guards.
ST WINIFRED'S SCHOOL CHOIR
(UK, one Top 40 hit, no Top 40 albums)
Pink-attired junior schoolgirls with infamously lisped lead singer who got to
No.1 in '80, either side of two chart- toppers from the just-slain John Lennon.
"There's No-One Quite Like Grandma" ("Grandma we love you,
Grandma we do") now gets pilloried as an example of why the genres of music
which enter the charts should be regulated. Back then, it got pilloried for, er,
being excruciating to watch, hear and digest. It wasn't even their first taste
of success, as two years earlier they had done the "addy addyo"
backing to "Matchstalk Men And Matchstalk Cats And Dogs". For the
wrong reasons, usually, they will always be remembered, and the mid-30s women
who wore those dresses will always have a conversation starter down the pub.
Biggest Hit: "There's No-One Quite Like Grandma", No.1, 1980
Defining Moment: Ridding the No.1 spot of Lennon while his body was still warm.
